The Golden Ticket

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about The Casual Blogger Conference, which is happening on May 28th and 29th, in the Salt Lake City area.

I am going to be on a panel about finding your blogger voice. I said that my blogger voice sounds something like this:


I also think it might sound a little something like this:


CBC'10 is letting me host a ticket giveaway and is offering one lucky reader a chance to attend the first ever blogging conference in Utah! This makes me happier than Jon Gosselin at a viewing of The Baby-Sitter's Club movie.

Here is what the winner will get:

CBC '10 Full Conference Pass- A $175 value

Full Conference Pass includes admission to all conference programs and socials on Friday and Saturday, May 28-29.


Who should attend the conference?

- The person who knows nothing about blogging, but wants to learn. By the end of the conference they will not only know HOW to start a blog, but how to design it, photograph for it and have inspiring posts.

- The person who wants to take their writing or photography to the next level but just does not know how. This conference has some of the best teachers in the industry available to help you learn the basics all the way to "the real deal".

- The woman who feels she is "just a mommy blogger". There is no such thing as "just" a mommy. This conference will offer her opportunities to see that her life has power as a mommy blogger.

- The person who wants to learn more about design, programming, and the importance of backing up your blog.

- The person who has a small business and wants to get different ideas on how to market better using social media. CBC'10 has something for everyone!

- You!

(Anyone who hates puppies, rainbows, unicorns and mini-corndogs, need not apply.)

All you have to do to enter is to leave a comment. The winner will be picked completely at random. And by completely at random, I mean based upon who can leave me a comment that makes me want to poke just one of my eyes out while watching Dear John, rather than both my eyes, and one of my ovaries.

You can enter to win until midnight, MST, on February 12th. The winner will be announced on Saturday, February 13th.

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I'm basically phoning my blog post in this week, because I was actually supposed to be here today:


With her and her.

Sadly, due to an unfortunate chain of events, which I am certain Mario Lopez is responsible for, such as the transmission in Adam's car needing replacing, my friend/coworker turning 80 and hurting her back, and my wallet going missing, all last week, we had to cancel our trip.


The good news is that Rychelle can perfect her precision pin-sticking skills, on the voodoo dolls I am sure she has of me and Amanda. Although, I think that this might also be karma, due to the fact she hasn't blogged in 4 months and I've cried every night since her last posting.

I decided to include some pictures of some things I'm sure we would have been doing, such as running in a Disneyland marathon:


I barely like to exert energy while breathing, but in this case, running from creepy cartoon characters was plenty of motivation.


Here we are, dressed as Disney princesses, of course, hanging out with John Stamos and Tina Fey. Not much different from our day to day lives, I must say.

I know that Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on earth, but I suspect Walt Disney has never been to my sofa, while watching a Lifetime movie marathon about teenage fathers. True bliss.

Deer John

Before I got married, I always assumed that I would marry someone as classy and sophisticated as I am, with a love for reality TV shows, and trashy gossip magazines. Instead, I married a man with a predilection (ha!) for things that will blow your head off, and bull riding.


Several weeks ago, I decided to surprise Adam by taking him to his favorite place in the entire world, Cabela's, where dead animals reign supreme. His second favorite place is your mom's. I don't even really know what that means.

Anyway, I have never been to this man mecca before, but I decided to be a good sport and accompany him. While pulling into the parking lot, I'm pretty sure I sprouted a testicle.


I sort of felt like Carrie Prejean at a gay nightclub, or John Edwards during a DNA test. Confused and frightened.

I figured that there were other women and wives who also felt this way, and so, once again, being the giver that I am, I have come up with a list of Do's and Don'ts while navigating the testosterone filled waters of Cabela's.

I encourage you to print off this list and read it in your next Scentsy meeting.



* DO take surreptitious pictures of all the men buying guns and make unfounded assumptions about which ones are terrorists. Forward your pictures on to the FBI. Hint: Toby Kieth tattoos, or plaid shirts with the sleeves cut off are a good place to start.



*DON'T panic when you catch your husband fondling and whispering sweet nothings into a fishing pole. His love affair will be shorter than Ryan Seacrest.



*DO make your kids watch Bambi, and then take them to the animal exhibit at Cabela's in order to help support the therapy business for the rest of their lives. Good mental health is so overrated.



*DON'T forget that all men are actually 12 year-old boys with more body hair, when they make several inappropriate jokes while walking past a stuffed beaver.



*DO make sure to put your infant daughter in a camo onesie with lace so you don't mistake her for a boy. Or a dead tree.



*DO plan a Family Home Evening lesson around how wonderful God's creatures are, and then take your children to the Cabela's shooting range to practice shooting them in the head.



*DON'T pass up the opportunity to spice things up in the bedroom by investing in a fake dead deer throw blanket. You are one step behind, Husband and Wife righteous sex shop!!



*DO cry yourself to sleep when you see that your husband is happier than Tiger Woods at the Miss America pageant, when surrounded by La-Z-Boys, dog ottomans, camouflage sofas, and stuffed animal heads mounted on the wall. At least none of those are markers of a serial killer. Much.



*DON'T pass up an opportunity to be strangled by a moose while sitting in it's crotch.

And finally,



*DO put on a camouflage jacket and play hide and seek with your husband, while he pretends you just escaped from a mental institution. Bet you can't see me!!!

I hope that this list was helpful for all you women out there. And some of you men. I don't judge.That was so 2009.

You will be happy to know, that by the time I left Cabela's and felt more at ease with it, I only had half a man tonsil remaining. I would say it was a pretty successful day.

Going Dog Wild

While reading the news this weekend, I came upon an article that reported that a recent study discovered that many dogs have a gene that makes them susceptible to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD.


Is this really a surprise to anyone? Take, for instance, the Taco Bell dog, who was constantly obsessed with food that guarantees diarrhea on a daily basis. You don't have to be a psychologist to determine that is unhealthy behavior. By the way, I am forgoing the tapeworm diet, and am now going to embark on the new Taco Bell diet. I have a feeling the outcomes will be similar.

As a public service, I have come up with a list of signs that your dog has OCD:


1) Repeatedly washing his nose in the toilet after returning from a bum-sniffing play date.



2) Lines up your shoes before leaving a vomit tender mercy.

3) Barks 6 times before sniffing your grandmother's crotch.



4) Constantly defecating on the pages of your Robert Pattinson calendar. (I wonder if you will be able to tell the difference between the poo and the pictures? Food for thought.)



5) Digging holes in the backyard in the shape of a fire hydrant/Dr. Phil.


6) Hoarding piles of poop for this week's dinner menu.



7) Repeatedly jumping for joy while wearing a dog Snuggie.


8) Only humping your bishop's right leg when he comes for a visit.



9) Obsessively making pregnancy pacts with the neighborhood dogs.



10) Repeatedly rolling around in the stench of Clay Aiken's latest album and returning home with the smell of death.



11) Compulsively cleaning his bum by rubbing it all over your carpet and/or pictures of LOL Cats.

If your dog does at least 3 of these things on a regular basis, or even thinks about listening to any Clay Aiken album, it's time to see the doggy shrink:


I'm sure your dog will be "fixed" in no time.

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Featured over on my sidebar is a button for the Sassy Scoops webpage. Sassy Scoops is a review site that features local Utah businesses, such as bakeries, restaurants, museums, and boutiques. The only downfall of supporting local businesses, and not Walmart, is that if Walmart went out of business, we wouldn't be able to see things like this:


It really would be a tragedy for America.

Anyway, the Sassy ladies invited me to come with them for their Review Night O' Fun, last Thursday. We reviewed a gelato cafe, a cookie bakery, and then met with a personal trainer to talk about nutrition. After the nutrition talk, I promptly returned to my car and ate the biggest, fattiest cookie I could find. I wish I were joking.

So, if you get a chance, check out Sassy Scoops! The reviews should be posted during the next week or two.

I want to thank Emily, Vanessa, Quinn, Evonne, Camille, Michelle, and Stephanie for making me feel included. Although, I think my lesson about how to turn a lightbulb into a meth pipe was thanks enough.

Tantalizing Tuesday

It's time for another installment of "Let's Shake Kristina's Brain and See What Falls Out", a.k.a, hodgepodge post. Or, "Look, A Pony!"

First up, you will remember my previous post of what's hot for 2010. Now, I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'm more awesome at predicting the future than those lame Mayans and their boring 2012 prediction of the apocalypse, blah, blah, blah. The world basically ended when snoozefest Jay Leno took over the 9 PM time slot every weekday night. Although, he is an excellent substitute for Tylenol PM/bourbon.


If you recall, I stated that breast implants were out, and brain implants were in, and I used a picture of Heidi Montag to illustrate my point.

In the most recent People magazine, Heidi admitted that she recently underwent 10 plastic surgery operations in one day. Apparently, she requested the "Make Me Look Like a Transvestite Blow Up Doll" package, as did Kenny Rogers.


Before


After

While she didn't specifically state that she had a brain implant, I think we can all read between the lines here. Heidi was the lucky recipient of this brain:


Carrot Top
Seems like a match made in silicone heaven.

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Since turning 31, my body has basically fallen apart. Apparently, 31 is the new 51, and I am very, very old now.

I have developed a bit of post-nasal drip and some sinus blockage. I figured I had two choices. Cocaine, or a Neti Pot. Clearly, the answer was obvious. But, I was already at Target, so I decided to go ahead with the Neti Pot instead.

For those of you who don't know what a Neti Pot it, it's basically a tea pot that you shove up your nose, so you can pour salt water into your sinuses. It's almost as fun as watching unicorns frolic in a meadow of four leaf clovers.

You tilt your head to the side, pour the solution in one nostril, and then it comes out the other nostril.



Look how classy I look! Seriously, if you are trying to figure out what pictures to include on your online dating profile, I would highly suggest including some pictures of you using a Neti Pot. Nothing screams sex appeal more than water and snot shooting out of your nose. I think Carrot Top is on the prowl!! Rawwr!

I will say that it is actually quite effective, and I only nearly drowned four times. It's also so easy to use, a monkey, or Clay Aiken, could do it!

Excuse me now, but I have to go and stick a wax candle into my ear canal to suck all the wax out. (Insert lame brain sucking joke here.)

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One of my cute blog friends has started to sell Avon. I clicked on her Avon link on her blog sidebar, and what is the first thing I see?!?!?!



MARIO LOPEZ!!!!

I hadn't been this angry since American Gladiators was cancelled.

Not only did this want to make me boycott Avon, but I also wanted to boycott womanhood by growing out my mustache and armpit hair, stop wearing makeup, and wearing nothing but Birkenstocks, hemp clothing, and watching Suze Orman all day long.

I was finally able to overcome my anger by going to my happy place, Lifetime, and watching Crimes of Passion: She Woke Up Pregnant.


I also discovered that Mario "D-Bag" Lopez will be hosting The Westminster Dog Show. Something tells me he'll be right at home there.

I guess cursing Mario Lopez will never be "out."

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Many of you remember my love of these little beauties, reusable knit tampons:


They really are the gift that keeps on giving. Especially if you are like me and you love giving your friends yeast infections.

Well, I received a package from my wonderful mother-in-law last week, and when I opened it up, what was awaiting me?



That's right, a KNIT TAMPON TOILET PAPER COZY!!!!

This really is the ultimate gift in feminine hygiene. Not only does it warm my toilet paper, it also warms my ovaries to know that my MIL is thinking about my comfort and well being.

So, the next time you have to deal with your crappy MIL, who always compares you to your husband's favorite ex-girlfriend, who could make crepes, sew blankets for orphans, and breastfeed her adorable twins, all out the same time, I hope you will think of my MIL and her concern for my menses, to bring a smile to your face.

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Finally, some of you have noticed this button over on my sidebar:



Mormon Mommy Blogs and Leelou Blogs are hosting The Casual Blogger Conference , in Sandy, UT, at the end of May. There are going to be various classes and panels on writing, design, photography, etc.

And for some reason, they thought it was a good idea for me to be on a panel about finding your blogger voice. I'm pretty sure my blogger voice looks a little something like this:


*Photo from the Chicago Sun Times

I don't know exactly what that sound is, but it looks pretty awesome.

So, if you've ever wanted to be able to meet a fellow blogger, and be super disappointed, then come and see me on May 28th and 29th! I don't want to give away any surprises, but let's just say I will probably be something that rhymes with "topless."

*I also wanted to thank everyone who donated so generously to Leslie's project. She received her goal of 100 kits and is now working towards 200. Thank you!!

Help For Haiti

I don't typically post on the weekends, but I wanted to do a quick post to alert you of an effort by my friend Leslie, to make hygiene kits for the victims of the earthquake in Haiti.

She lives in Draper, UT and she is accepting items for the kits, or donations by PayPal. All money she receives will go to pay for supplies for the kits.

Here is what she is asking for:

100 Gallon Sized Ziplock Bags
200 Plastic Combs - no sharp edges
400 Toothbrushes - must be packaged
100 Tubes of Toothpaste
200 bars of soap
200 15x25 inch hand towels - can be purchased or made with terry cloth by zig zagging or surging the edges

All of these items can be purchased at your local dollar store. I do realize this means you might actually have to go to the dollar store, so please be careful. I would hate for someone to get stabbed or catch herpes. I mean, it's no Walmart!

If you would like to help or donate in some way, please contact Leslie by going to her blog, here.

Oh, and you also have Leslie to thank for me bringing mediocrity to your life on a weekly basis, as she convinced me to start blogging. Thanks, Leslie!

(COMMENTS OFF)

In-N-Out

To help all my readers ring in the new year, I've decided to go all US Weekly and post my list of things that are Out for 2009, and In for 2010. I know this is a departure from my usually high brow blog posts, where I talk about health reform, anti-terror policies, and Hillary Clinton's pant suits. But I hope you'll stay with me anyway.

Here is my list of what's In and what's Out.

Out: Naming your baby after a person in the Bible



In: Naming your baby after a serial killer




Out: The Reverse Mullet



In: Hair Animal Hats (Thanks, Amanda!)




Out: Locally grown produce



In: Produce from Tijauna, farmed by 6 year-old guerillas




Out: Cursing Mario Lopez



In: Cursing Dr. Phil




Out: Breast implants



In: Brain implants



Out: Jumpsuits



In: Spacesuits




Out: FarmVille



In: MethlabVille




Out: Sparkly Vampires



In: Bedazzled Abominable Snowmen




Out: Cheating on the mother of your eight kids


In: Cheating with the mother of eight kids




Out: Being a loser and a jackass


In: Being a scumbag and a tool




Out: The Real World: DC



In: The Real World: Denny's



Out: Fame whoring parents



In: Fame whoring parents




Out: Going Green



In: Littering



Out: Cougartown



In: Tigertown



So, stop being lame, and start littering Sudafed boxes all around your scumbag methlab!

You Say You Want a Resolution

Well another year has come and gone. It seems like just yesterday that I was resolving to destroy the earth, take up crack smoking, and be nude whenever possible. I really didn't want to set too lofty of goals, because I knew I couldn't achieve them.

One thing I did learn is that crack smoking out of an earth-destroying plastic water bottle, while nude, isn't really the best idea. I'm thinking about suing Arrowhead Water for not putting a "Will melt when used as a crack pipe" warning on their bottles. Hey, even Bumpits have warnings.

Well, I have a brand new set of goals for 2010, and I am very optimistic that I can achieve them all.

And by "very optimistic" I mean, "I'll complete these resolutions as soon as Robert Pattinson becomes attractive."

Without further ado, here are my 2010 resolutions:

1) Weight loss- Now, I know that everyone makes this resolution every single year, but this year, I vow that it will be different from all the rest. Now, I'm not afraid of a little hard work. I actually had to get up of the sofa to turn the TV to Judge Joe Brown, last week, when the remote wasn't working. Dedication, my friends.

So, I've decided to to swallow a tapeworm. My colon will definitely be working overtime.

So, if I look something like this the next time you see me,


don't be frightened. It really will be a heartworming experience.

2)Volunteer and Help Others- Lately, I've really been feeling like I need to pay it forward and give back to society. So, I've decided to help others by telling them why their lives are so sucky and pathetic, and how they can be as awesome as I am.

For example:

Wearing a t-shirt to Walmart that says,


This really takes last year's resolution of Judging to the next level. I also have support from The Bible. You know, that whole faith without works is dead thing. So instead of just sitting back and judging people without their knowledge, I am going to do the "works" part and let them know WHY I am judging them.

Sigh. I really could be the next Oprah.

3) Learn a new skill- I have several items on my list. Here they are, in no particular order:

- Learn how to kill with my bare hands.

- Learn how to get Nancy Grace's perfectly coiffed helmet hair.

- Learn how to make an "accidental" nipple slip more classy.

- Learn how to identify images of The Hoff in things like tree trunks, puddles, pieces of toast, and meatloaf

4) Become more educated and cultured- I have realized that living in the Utah bubble for so long, I really have a lack of awareness of other cultures and traditions. To help me become more educated I will do the following things:

- Watch The Jersey Shore, on MTV


I feel like I can learn a lot about the Italian culture and heritage from this show, such as how to get my eyebrows as perfectly sculpted as Mike "The Situation", how to do the Guido Fistpump, and how to get skin cancer like Nicole "Snooki" and look good while doing it.

- Read Flex magazine


I am excited to learn about the bodybuilding culture and how I too can lose all female sex appeal and look like I swallowed a balloon animal. (Although, that lace really does bring out the feminine curve of her pecs.)

5) Overcome a fear- 2009 was the year that I overcame my fear of something truly terrifying. Babies. I do still think they are plotting our demise, but I realized that I have the power to squish their chubby little cheeks and they can't do a darn thing about it.

Time to conquer a new fear, something that is equally as scary for me:



LOL Cats.

Cats freak me out to begin with. Satan must have found a loophole in the whole creationism thing, and cats are what he decided to plague the world with. Add to that cats who CAN'T SPELL, and you have a recipe for fear and terror.

Believe me when I tell you that Al-Qaeda will not use airplanes or bombs to spread the word of their global jihad, but will use far more nefarious methods, in the form of infiltrating your computer wallpapers with seemingly harmless images of cats with horrible grammar.

And finally, my Word of the Year. Many bloggers choose a word of the year to represent themselves, such as Happiness, Perseverance, Virtue, etc. I have taken great thought for my 2010 Word of the Year.

DEBAUCHERY

Debauchery means, "Indulgence in sensual pleasures and scandalous activities."

I've been watching my role models closely, and debauchery seems to be working out for them nicely:




So, 2010 is the year that I will step it up and live my life in the most scandalous manner possible. My main goal is to have a Law and Order episode inspired by my escapades.

I will check in with my goals and resolutions in 6 months. Long live Two Thousand Ten!!

Ho, Ho, Ho

Christmas at the Pulsipher house was a rousing success. Santa brought me a sprained neck, and the gift of abandonment, by bringing Adam a Playstation 3. Thanks, Santa!

Fortunately, I've had this card to stare at while in my Aleve medication haze:



Queenie Jeannie is like Santa and medicated Britney Spears, rolled into one, spreading joy to all the world.

Oh, and don't forget to send me pictures of those Snuggies you all received for Christmas! If you didn't receive a Snuggie, I think we know all what this means: Your house has been hit by the Curse of Mario Lopez!


In order to break the Mario curse, you must vow to wear a shirt at all times, in order to counter the effect of Mario's omnipresent nipples. Yes, even in the shower! Let's band together and rid the world of this plague. (I might have had too much eggnog this year. Just a guess.)

I will be back next week with my New Year's Resolution post. In the meantime, I will still be stalking your blogs and judging you. 2009 resolutions are still in full force!

(COMMENTS (H)OFF)